I've decided to have a baby.
I'm actively looking for the father of my child. Ideally, he'll be handsome, intelligent, creative, love reading and movies, be kind and passionate and driven to succeed, no matter what he's doing.
He doesn't need to be in my life, but he does need to have strong swimmers. Bonus if he's already a dad. I'd like to have proof of purchase.
We can either conceive by traditional methods, or he can mail me his little guys and gals in a frozen container insulated in a retro Coleman cooler packed with dry ice. Enclosed should also be $250,000 for the child's first 10 years' child support. I anticipate needing to de-lead my windows, add a second bathroom, and pre-pay for private school and preschool.
After 10 years, I will expect annual payments of $15,000 for the next eight years. Following that, I will send the child to its father for college tuition, supportive parenting and the male perspective.
If the child decides to return to me at that time, it will be sorely disappointed. I will be gone until I am an invalid, in my 80s or need something, whichever comes first.
Wait, there's something else.
April Fool's! Or is it?
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