Sabbatical

I have been writing this blog for six months.

It dawned on me recently that I've been spending precious time writing that I could use doing things like hanging out with friends and family, swimming, gardening, meeting the man of my dreams, finding my dream job or doing any of the other numerous things on my list of daily tasks that I have a bad habit of ignoring.

With that, I leave you, dear readers, until I get the urge to write to you again.

A long day's journey into night

I work too much.

A lot of people say that, but I've been living it for the past three years.

 First, I worked for a catering company. It was my first foray into the for-profit sector in a decade. I ended up working about 80-100 hours per week. Needless to say, that did not last long. Longer than I expected, but not long.

Since then, I picked up one job, then two, then three, then four. All of them part time. Two are very part time (teaching Sunday school 1-2 hours per week during the school year, and working as an election official to help people use the voting machines--three times this year for a total of about 45 hour).

My grant-funded, non-profit job in my field is ending July 17. I have loved the work, and value the relationships I've gained, the conversations had, and the accomplishments made. The work is not yet over, as so much of the non-profit work I've done in the past has been left. That is not to say that I feel it is incomplete. I have been able to do more than I expected, and reached and then exceeded every goal set out for me. And yet, there is more work to be done. There is always more work to be done.

The job that provides my benefits will increase in hours in order to make up for some of the loss of my non-profit job. I will likely struggle a bit with the loss of income. The upcoming semi-annual raise should help defray that struggle.

The bright side is the time I will have on my hands. I will gain 5-10 additional hours per week. To garden, to see friends, to meet new friends, to date. The possibilities are endless.

I will happily live on beans and rice (and my CSA share) in order to have time to relax, time to practice the ukelele, time to write letters, time to read books, time to swim and lounge at the pool, time to visit with Grandma, time to cook, time to plan a party, time to clean the house, time to make art, time to volunteer, time to do nothing if that is what I choose.

I look forward to having time.

Fine print

In January I started taking a medication that resulted in some adverse side effects.

Six months later, I told the doctor who prescribed it that I needed her help to get off of it, knowing that additional side effects could result from stopping the medication without further instruction. Unfortunately, the doctor's recommendations resulted in nausea, dizziness, eye issues, headaches and blood pressure so low I started to black out. Not awesome.

After suggesting it might be an inner ear infection, the doctor recommended an alternative way to get off the medication. This week I started getting the side effects again. Cannot wait for this to be over. Also cannot wait to find a new doctor...who takes me seriously.

Ask your doctor questions. Ask your pharmacist more questions. Do your research. Make sure you know what will happen if you stop taking a medication and hopefully you will avoid feeling miserable.

Looking forward for this to be over and getting back to "normal."

Old skool

Yesterday I saw a white Camaro.

I immediately broke into the only song I know with the song Camaro in it. By the Dead Milkmen.

If you know that song, you should be smiling by now.

Gone to seed

My garden is in full swing.

The green beans are prolific, the melons, acorn squash and zucchinis are teasing with their tiny fruits, and the radishes have gone to seed.

I see the radish flowers adding a splash of white to my otherwise green garden, and think of the little seeds I want to collect from them when they are ready. I've never collected seeds from spent flowers before, so this is going to be a new adventure. Hopefully, I'll catch some before they fall to the ground or get eaten by the numerous birds that call my yard and trees home.

Labor of love...love of spicy radishes.

Sigh of relief

Last week one of my part time jobs offered me a full time gig...until the end of November.

After asking some clarifying questions, not getting the answers I was hoping for, and being tied up on knots for two days, I turned it down. If I am going to give up longer term job and health insurance security, I want to feel that my worth is being met. I also don't particularly want to relocate and work 18-24hr days.

While I feel comfortable with my decision, I do wonder if I will moss out on other opposed as a result of not being in the center of an exciting campaign...that I would have a major role in running.

Then the wonder passes and I remember how much I like to swim outside, garden, take my grandma out, and see my friends. It will be delightful to downgrade my employers from four to three by the middle of next month. I can't wait to have an extra 10 hours per week to hang out...and finally clean my house.

Revival of the fittest

Last winter was pretty harsh.

The temperatures were low and sustained. Pipes froze and everyone was miserable.

Once it was over, and spring began to work its magic I saw what survived and what was tinder.

One of my losses was a lavender bush I planted eight years ago when I bought my house. It was a new have gift from Mom. She actually got me two of them, but construction guys killed the other one three years ago. Jerks.

Much to my surprise, three lavender seedlings emerged a few weeks ago. I don't have the heart to uproot the mother plant yet, still not convinced that the original is truly gone.

Either way, I cannot wait to watch the new plants grow, and smell their delicate aroma wafting across the yard as I mow.

Dining in

There's not much better than a home cooked meal.

I mean, I end up doing the cooking, but still. Rice, saucy jerk tofu and coconut chard with watermelon for dessert.

Simple things often bring the most pleasure, and man, do I get pleasure from a good meal.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Rain out

It seems like there is never enough time at the swimming pool.

This afternoon was no exception. I somehow lose my ID cards to get into the pool--which I found later wedged in between the driver seat and the center console of my car. Luckily, the kid working the gate has known me since he was 10 and has seen me there at least three days in the past week.

After changing into my suit from my work clothes, I found a lounge chair facing the 4pm sun and pulled out my book to read until a lap lane opened. Of course, I ended up catching up with a friend instead of reading, and by the time I got into the pool, within five minutes the entire pool and deck was cleared due to thunder.

At least I got to see a couple of friends, be amazed at how big their kids have gotten, and get a nice dose of vitamin D. Looking forward to giving it another shot on Tuesday!

Squash. Bugs.

There are good bugs and bad bugs.

My garden is home to them all. I've spotted cucumber beetles, lady bugs, three kinds of bees, two kinds of wasps, several varieties of weird looking flies, roaches in the compost, fireflies, and some giant red thing with wings I may never identify.

Worst of all, though, are the squash-killers. I'm not sure if they're stink bugs, leaf-footed bugs or squash bugs. All I know is that they suck the life out of all the vegetables in my garden and lay their eggs on the leaves of cucumbers, zucchinis and pretty much any variety of squash-type vegetables.

I do my best to scrape the eggs I find off of their perches, but this afternoon, I found hatchlings. Well, they lived up to the name squash bugs after I found them. Hopefully, their corpses will deter any new arrivals.

Ever vigilant.

Wilted and watered

It was too hot to be outside today.

And yet, before I could get out of bed and into the shower, my neighbor was on his shiny, red, new riding mower and taking down my overgrown grass and weeds in the front yard.

When I got home from running errands, I took a look at the garden, on to find it sad looking. The squash and melon leaves hung off their vines like Salvador Dali paintings. The only upright plants were the tomatoes and tomatillos.

A few hours later, the clouds rolled in with the thunder and wind and lightning. That is all it took. A brief, if steady rain, and the garden regained its life, the beans were snappable. The daikon leaves shaded the sprouts beneath their usual canopy.

It always amazes me what magic water holds.

Stroker ace

I love to swim.

When I was four, my dad decided it was time to teach me, and threw me between himself and one of his friends. Their grand plan was simple. They tossed me back and forth, and then tossed me a little short and moved out of the way so I had to swim for the stairs...and what seemed like a full mile away. I'm sure it was only five feet, but while I was doggie paddling my little heart out, I could've sworn I they were going to let me drown.

Thankfully, I didn't, and I wanted to get back into the water...just not with them. I wanted to swim without anyone's help. Welcome to independence!

I took lessons got pretty good at holding my breath under water. I still love swimming under water, close to the bottom, skimming it with my fingers, my chin, my belly, my toes, seeing the world around me and from a blurred perspective and hearing with muted ears. My first challenge was to swim the length of the pool without touching the side. That would qualify me to swim in the deep end and ultimately to use the diving board.

Having two older siblings, I knew that I belonged with them, in the line to dive, cannonball or belly flop. There was the high dive and the low dive. By six years old, I was able to use the diving board.

Soon thereafter, my siblings egged me on to go off the high dive. I've always been cool with heights, just not getting down from them. Tricky thing when you're 20' off the ground. Actually, I have no idea how high it was, I just know that it felt like I could've been blown off the narrow diving board by as stiff breeze and they wouldn't let me climb back down the ladder. Once you got up there, there was only one way off. Jump, dive or fall.

I jumped...and I have a slight recollection of my bathing suit going entirely up my backside. I also remember the otherworldliness of the reaching the bottom of the deep end. The penny retrieval competitions on July 4th, the men's competition to capture the greased watermelon, and the endless games of Marco Polo.

These days, I am lucky to get an hour at the pool, nothing like the full days we used to spend in childhood. If we'd get bored swimming, we'd watch people play tennis, or play on the playground, or place pennies and nickels on the train track behind the pool, or just lay out, play cards, or read magazines.

I haven't just hung out at the pool or in the pool for a long time. When I go to the pool, I go to swim laps, to read a book in the sun, to relax.

Thank goodness it's summer and I get to swim whenever I get a chance.

Pot likker

I had a miserable day on Monday, but my CSA share turned it all around.

There were a couple of things I'd never tried to cook before: lamb's quarters, borage and collard greens.

I told you last night about the lamb's quarters. They're phenomenal hot or cold, and I loved them even as a late night snack.

The collards were a bit more complicated than the wild greens. They required more cooking time, for one thing.

I washed the giant leaves, broke the stems off at the base of the leaves, stacked them, rolled them, and cut the rolled leaves into one inch strips across the stem. Backing up a bit...I sweated a finely sliced onion and a clove of elephant garlic, then tossed in the sliced collard greens. Once the greens were in the pot, I topped them off with 3 cups of water, 1/4 cup of apple cider vinegar a pinch of hot pepper flakes, a couple of tablespoons of tamari sauce, a couple of healthy dashes of cumin, brought the whole thing to the boil, covered it and reduced it to simmer for the next 45 minutes.

I think it would've worked just as well with 1.5 cups of water. I just forgot to halve it for the recipe I was loosely following.

I cooked up a pot of stone ground grits to go with the Southern fare on my stove, and stirred some nutritional yeast and coarse ground pepper into it.

Pretty sure all of my relatives rolled over in their stuffed cabbage and pickle Eastern European fare graves when I took a bite, and then second helpings, but let me tell you something here and now. I may never have eaten grits growing up (except occasionally at the Waffle House), and definitely couldn't find collards on any kosher-style plate I came across growing up in Knoxville (meaning I didn't taste them until I was an adult).

The food I made last night couldn't be found in my antique cookbooks. They list kale as a food you cook when you can't afford anything else.

I'll admit here and now. I am on a fairly tight budget, but I find these greens to be some of the best food I've ever eaten. I feel better when I eat it. I find satisfaction in my meal, but also in the joy I gain knowing that I've purchased this food from a farmer I know. I've seen his fields, picked cabbages and radishes from them, eaten fresh persimmons from the side of the dirt road running up one of his hills, spied his cows, eaten at his table and learned about fermentation at a workshop at one of the houses near one of his barns.

If you've ever prepared a meal with me, you know that it is a process. There is determining the main ingredients, finding recipes in my cookbook collection, making sure we have everything else we need in the house, occasionally a run to the store for the rest of what we need, and at least 2-3 hours of preparation and cooking time.

Food in my house is an experience, something to prepare with love and devotion. Something to be enjoyed, planned out and experimented with. Food in my house is about satisfaction of the process as well as the meal itself. Thank goodness, since I usually make enough for a family of eight.

Can't wait to see what I get to experiment with next week!

Weeds are wonderful

I admit it; I was scared to cook lamb's quarters.

The furry texture wasn't the problem, it was the seemingly endless dirt to be washed off of it. Well, and I wasn't sure how it would taste.

The research I did said that it's fine to eat fresh, and I tried a few leaves, but I didn't love them that way.

I did a little more research and found a handful of interesting ideas. I settled on one, sort of, and combined what I read in a recipe with my knowledge of cooking delicate greens.

I browned an onion in olive oil, then I sauteed the washed greens in the pot with the onions, adding 1/2 cup of water to help get things wilted a little faster. When the greens were wilted and a dark green, I drizzled them with a well-aged balsamic vinegar.

Delicious. Seriously delicious.

If I ever see it growing in someone's yard, you can bet I'm going to pick it and take it home for dinner!

Oh deer

Yesterday morning I was awestruck.

I was driving home from a morning swim and saw three deer in the middle of my street. The night before I'd been talking about all the critters in my neighborhood, but that there were no deer. I was wrong.

They were beautiful. They seemed young, and were curious. They stared at me, and my car, as I stared at them. We checked each other out for a minute or so before they finished crossing the street, jumped into a gulley and disappeared into the brush leading to Richland Creek.

I am constantly amazed at the world around me. You never know what you'll see if you just look.

Pater familias

It's Father's Day.

I called Dad this morning and we had a really nice talk. He's getting ready to go to "summer camp," and I found out something I'd never known.

He went to summer camp as a kid for two weeks. Once.

He went by train from Knoxville, TN to Hendersonville, NC to Camp Judea, well, it was Camp Judea before there was an actual camp site, so they were housed at Camp Blue Star, he and several of his friends from Knoxville.

He never went back, but it wasn't a lack of interest, it just wasn't an option that was offered, and he didn't ask. His family didn't have a lot of extra to spend, and he was grateful to have the experience.

When I was 10 years old, I went to what became Camp Judea in Hendersonville, NC. I was there for four weeks. I plotted to run away nearly every day of that month. Different times, different children, different experiences.

I'm so glad my parents decided to have a third kid. I am I lucky to have my dad.

Opening up

Today the first daylily of the summer blossomed.

It was one of my favorites, a deep red, speckled with black along the insides of its petals. A bright spot in the otherwise green front yard, nestled in the flowerbed under the picture window.

It was a beacon for the rest of the buds that the 5i!IMG is right for them to follow suit.

I cannot wait for my own, personal, flower show. Can. Not. Wait.

Billed me up

Last night I paid my bills.

It was a typical Thursday night. I'd had the day off, so I slept in a little, gone to the pool for a swim and some sun, did a little work, went to physical therapy, went to group therapy, and skipped the movie I'd considered seeing in favor of checking something off one of my lists of chores for the week.

I used to dread paying my bills.

I was never sure if there would be enough left after each paycheck got deposited to purchase the basics, like food. There usually was, but it was close sometimes, especially when I'd make donations and forget I still had one more big bill coming.

Six months ago, I was at that point. Last night, I was free from the fear and anxiety that used to come from bill paying. I was able to pay everything at once, with plenty left over to move into my savings account for emergencies.

There is a big sigh of relief when you finally reach one of your goals. I didn't think of this goal as a big one. I thought of it as a way to retain my middle class status, a way to retain my dignity and self-respect, a way to reflect the hard work I do, a way to justify the multiple jobs I work.

While this was a great goal, now I get to adjust it. Now I get to figure out how to maintain this path of financial security while increasing my ability to have a social life (preferably by working fewer jobs).

Some people have bucket lists. My lists are much more mundane. Buy a house. Check. Lose weight. Check. Get finances in order. Check.

Instead of focusing on the mundane, I think it's time to focus on the really important things: following my passions, and finding passion with someone else.

Fruity and delicious

The vegetables in the garden are beginning to fruit!

As of Sunday morning, I saw what look like the beginnings of acorn squash, green beans and melons. This is no small feat.

The culmination of months of digging, weeding, re-weeding, tossing kitchen waste into the garden bed, more money than I'm willing to admit in seeds that have and have not germinated, and a complete sense of satisfaction when I harvest the fruits of my labor.

I cannot wait to gather those beans, roast that squash, and carve up those melons.

Of course, there is just as much excitement in seeing the first flowers of the tomatoes, and tomatillos. In seeing the zucchinis begin to blossom. In witnessing new seedlings emerge from the dirt.

My garden lifts my heart with each new discovery. Can't wait to see what happens in there tomorrow!

Cone heads

The first of the purple cone flowers in my yard have blossomed.

They are the descendents of the first purple cone flowers that Mom gifted me when I moved into my home a little over eight years ago.

Each year, they flower and wither, their dried seed heads standing tall and sharp all winter. They would remain there, if not for my meddling finger, crushing the forgotten flowers carefully and scattering them along the drainage ditch, hoping for more flowers to come.

The anticipation of their arrival each year is sweet. The irises and peonies have come and gone. The day lilies are still gathering their colors together to show off in a week or two. The purple cone flowers take their time. They open in fits and starts, teasing us with their curled petals until they finally reveal their full selves.

Springtime is over, but summer has a lot to show for itself.

Fire in the sky

Last week I saw a rainbow around the sun.

I was getting some sun on an overcast day, doing a crossword puzzle. Naturally, I was looking up, as I was lying down. Above my head, there seemed to be a halo around the sun. It was a rainbow. A rainbow circling the sun.

I'd never seen anything like it. It was beautiful, sublime and beautiful.

I took it as a good sign. A sign that there is no end to the rainbow, that there is only light and color and beauty in the world...and a big ball of fire in the middle.

Greenery

Saturday I experimented with kale and my dehydrator.

It wasn't a totally unheard of experiment. I had eaten a bag of kale crackers a few weeks ago and thought I could replicate the texture at home. That sort of happened.

A week ago was the first CSA pick-up of the growing season and I got a HUGE bag of kale. I knew I didn't have time to make anything fancy with it, and had to wait nearly a week to sort through it, pick out the creepy crawlies, strip the leaves from the stalks, wash and prepare it in some way.

I tossed the kale into the food processor with some leftover cashew cream, a goodly amount of nutritional yeast, white pepper, olive oil, tamari sauce, tomato powder, ground flax seeds, spread it out on three sheets of wax paper and popped it into my dehydrator.

What came out...several hours later, was something akin to a flavorful, if earthy, very thin and crispy kale cracker. Next time I'm going to try more cashews for a little extra body, a few herbs, maybe some hot pepper, and lay it on the wax paper a little thicker.

Crackers aren't so hard to make. I think I'll do it again!

I see(d) you

Last night there was a thunderstorm.

I had a busy afternoon and evening: 2 hr yoga class, early dinner with Mom and Grandma, and a movie with my sister.

Before dinner was over, the skies opened up, lightning flashed and Mom started trying to figure out how to get Grandma into the car without soaking her, and how to give me the microwave she'd brought for me. Turns out Grandma's not afraid of a few raindrops, and Mom dropped the microwave off on my kitchen doorstep (directly under one of the leaks in my carport) while I was at the movies.

Arriving at the theater, I saw my sister, and at least half of the Jewish population of Nashville. Okay, that's an exaggeration, but there were at least 15 people we knew there, including a rabbi. Gotta love a small city.

It was still raining when I got home, and after bringing in the microwave, I went through the most recent stack of vegetable seed packets I purchased, decided upon the arugula, cucumber, watermelon, radish, beet and chard, tore the paper envelopes open, and poured all of the seeds into a single envelope.

I shook the envelope to mix up the seeds, zipped up my jacket, put the hood over my head, and slipped on my garden shoes. After turning on the outside light, I made my way to the back yard, circled the garden, shaking seeds into my hand and scattering them as I went.

On the walk back to the house, I noticed the rain barrel was overflowing, and not draining into the second barrel I'd set up next to it. One minor adjustment...lowering the second barrel off its perch and onto the ground, below the level of the barrel connected to the gutter, and the water flowed freely through the overflow hose into the second barrel successfully. Clearly was not an aqueduct designer in a previous life.

Hope to see the new seeds sprout this week!

Toot! Toot!

Last night I realized that I had to deal with the overwhelming amount of food filling up my fridge, all of which required preparation.

So, I looked through a cookbook to get some inspiration, marked a few interesting pages, wrote a list of what I'd like to make today, and somehow woke up at 6:30am, which was obviously a sign that I should get to it.

Actually, I started last night. I cut up the watermelon taking up most of the top shelf and whittled it down to two containers. I also made strawberry rhubarb sauce, for Grandma. It's her favorite, and she asks about it every year. We went out for dinner last night, and stopped by the store where I work to pick up some breadsticks and cookies for her to snack on at home. While we were there, I saw some beautiful strawberries and offered to make the sauce for her; my rhubarb has been flourishing in the garden this year.

The experimental dish last night was a deconstructed vegetarian stuffed cabbage casserole. I found a recipe for meat and rice cabbage casserole in the 1952 American Jewish Cookbook I'd found a basis for the strawberry rhubarb sauce recipe. Grandma gave me that cookbook at least 15 years ago, maybe 20. Its pages are yellowed and there are unsettling amounts of jello molds recommended; I treasure it.

I had 3/4 of a small cabbage in the fridge. I lined the bottom of a round casserole dish with cabbage leaves. In a bowl, I combined cooked lentils, raw brown rice, currants, cumin, tomato powder (you could use tomato paste), chopped onion and parsley and white pepper. The lentil mixture topped the cabbage leaves, then I put shredded cabbage over that, and spread tomato sauce over it all. I then poured water into the dish until it was nearly level with the top, and squeezed 1.5 lemons over it. I baked it until the water was mostly absorbed, put it in the fridge overnight (since I had to go to bed), poured a little tamari sauce over it in the morning, and baked it for another hour or so.

Let's just say...it's amazing.

This morning, I also inspected a HUGE bag of kale from my CSA, pulling off a goodly number of caterpillars in various stages of eating and cocooning, and pureeing it with cashew cheez, nutritional yeast, ground flax seeds, cumin, and probably a few other goodies, spread it onto wax paper and  dehydrated it for kale crackers.

I had to make room in the dehydrator, so I put the lemon balm, peppermint and oregano I'd dried there earlier in the week into separate jars for tea and seasoning.

The chai has been simmering on the stove all morning an is filling the house with spicy goodness.

I napped and read while the casserole (and some cubed tofu) were baking. Now to figure out what I'm going to do with the stinging nettle, lambs quarters, garlic scapes, two heads of lettuce and bunch of radishes will become.

Whatever it will be, it will be delicious...or compost!

Drop it like it's hot

The sky is dark and full of grey clouds looming dully.

FLASH!

Lightning illuminates the trees to the East without showing itself.

rumble

Thunder declares an impending storm.

Quiet.

Even the insects know that it is time to find shelter.

The humidity is oppressive and the temperature begs for rain to fall.

I sleep soundly, dreaming of full rain barrels and watered garden beds.

Eggcellent

Yup, those are REAL eggs!!! (pic by  Hannah Coffey)

There is nothing like a farm fresh egg.

I'm not talking about the eggs you get from the grocery store that say they're farm fresh. I'm talking about eggs that were laid and gathered within a couple of days of eating them. I'm talking about eggs whose yolks are so yellow they are actually orange. I'm talking about green, blue, brown, tan, ecru, white, jumbo, tiny and medium sized eggs.

A friend with more chickens than I have shoes (and that's saying something) has been supplying me on and off for the past two years with addictively delicious eggs from her hens and is trying to talk me into taking a few off her hands. She has bantams, whose plumes should be on every hat.

She had a bantam rooster, Mr. Saturday Night. He was gorgeous. Strutted around the yard around her house like he owned the place. When I went to visit once, he pecked my heel when I turned my head for a second. One second. Apparently, Mr. Saturday Night pecked one too many times at the humans around him. Word is, he was as delicious as he was beautiful.

My friend says a few hens would take care of my slug problem in the vegetable garden. She would even build me a coop with a solar panel door for the nights when I'm working late. My response was, "What happens if the chickens don't go into the coop at dusk?" Luckily, there's plenty of cover in the brush at the back of the yard.

Not sure I'm ready for chickens, but I am definitely ready to eat more of these eggs for breakfast tomorrow!

Cool down

Summer night.
The cool, damp air following a blistering hot day.
Breeze finding the fine hairs on the back of my neck,
my shoulders,
goosebumps forming.

Clover underfoot, crowding out Kentucky bluegrass and crab grass.
Slugs feasting on tender leaves: cucumber, radish, rhubarb.
Tomatoes rooting deeply.
Radishes unearthing themselves, begging to sharpen palates.

Sunburned bra-lines hot and raw.
Tan skin highlighting beauty marks like asymmetrical polka dots.
Bare legs and arms searching for warmth.
Stars twinkle, shedding age old light.

I sleep soundly.

(Big and) small victories

In December I paid off my credit cards; as of June, I have emergency savings.

When I lived in Boston, I went to a full day of financial security workshops geared towards women and sponsored by the state treasurer's office. While there, I learned what I needed to be financially independent.

1) Have at least three months' savings to be able to pay all of your bills in case of emergency. (Since then, I have heard from other sources that you should have six months' savings.)

2) If you're going to buy a house, put at least 20% down and have at least $10,000 in savings for home repairs and emergencies.

3) Pay off your credit cards before you do anything else.

4) Put as much as you can in your retirement accounts each year and invest with diverse sources for a balanced portfolio.

I didn't follow all of the advice, nor did I follow it in the right order.

I bought a house with 100% mortgage and no savings eight years ago. I just paid off my credit cards six months ago. It took me nearly 10 years to have an emergency fund for regular bills. I do not have a home emergency fund. I have not been able to save for retirement outside of various 401(k)/403(b) plans for about 14 years.

Financial independence is not something easily attained. If you are in the middle class or are struggling financially, you are focused on eating, on keeping the lights on, on paying your bills on time or at all. Saving is a luxury, a privilege.

I was a small child when my parents opened a savings account for me. I brought my allowance, birthday and Hanukkah money to deposit, my pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters. All with purpose and reverence. It was important and it was mine. I was responsible for how it was to be used, how it was to grow. At that time, a penny was worth something, and inflation was high enough to make savings accounts useful.

These days, it is harder to know what to do with your money. I haven't had it in so long, I am loathe to fix the things that need fixing, take a well-earned vacation, buy clothes to replace those that are worn out or no longer fit.

I cringe each time I spend more than $30 at the grocery store. I do not buy myself flowers, but wait to see them bloom in my yard from seeds and starts I planted years ago.

My mindset has changed over these past few years of financial struggle. I still enjoy fine things, I just stop myself from purchasing them.

I look forward to a time in my life when I can both have the financial stability of enough savings for emergencies and enough cushion in my bank account that I can treat myself without guilt, treat others without anxiety, and treat money like pieces of paper.

Tora(h)! Tora(h)! Tora(h)!

Yesterday I got to witness something beautiful.

A new torah scroll was finished by a scribe, paraded into my synagogue, and placed into the ark to be used along with the older torah scrolls contained therein.

It was quite the party, with friends from the shul and from around the Nashville Jewish community coming together to celebrate. It's not every day that a new torah is purchased by a synagogue, after all. You can't just pick one up at the torah store. They take months to write and piece together. The parchments have to be sewn in such a way as to maintain the consistency of the lettering and smoothly enough that they do not add undue weight or tear. The wooden handles light enough to be able to lift the torah without dropping it.

The process is one not taken lightly. It is sacred work, ancient work. Women in the shtetls used to sew the parchments together in the old days. The days when my great grandparents were born in the Pale of Jewish Settlement. The days when protecting the torah meant, at times, protecting it with your life.

At the dedication, our rabbi read a letter from 70 years ago, when the last torah was given to the shul. The letter spoke of sending two torahs to community synagogues in Europe to help rebuild Jewish life there after the Holocaust. It reminded me how much has been sacrificed so that I may have the privilege of practicing my religion, how lucky I am to have relatives who left Eastern Europe at the turn of the 20th Century. How lucky I am to live in a city so full of joy, friends and family.

Reconnecting with friends was a highlight, as was following a flatbed trailer with a klezmer band, and dancing the hora on West End Avenue as Sunday afternoon traffic drove by slowly, wondering what those crazy Jews are up to now. With the sun beating down on us, sweat dripping down our backs, we danced with abandon, young and old(er) alike, smiling and laughing and feeling part of a grand tradition.

I look forward to hearing the Hebrew words read from the new torah and enjoying the company of the congregation, friends and visitors as we reflect on the love put into creating our sacred scroll.

Brown as a berry

Friday I spent three hours at the swimming pool.

I wore one of my new bathing suits, careful not to let it slip below publicly acceptable frontage levels in and out of the pool. I swam for 30 minutes. I ate some ice cream. I drank some iced tea. I did some crossword puzzles. I took a nap.

I got a tan.

Looking forward to much more of that over the next few months!